However, there are many theologians and father of the church who contribute and gave an account on these sacraments that we are using. These sacraments also undergo problems, criticisms, and rejections. There are many Christian apologists trying to defend and give answers to the questions and criticism regarding the sacraments. One of these is St. Augustine of Hippo; he was a bishop, theologian and a well known philosopher. During his time, there was a discussion on the sacramental seal were the controversial issue on re-baptism and re-ordination happened. St. Augustine tries his best to give solution on this problem. According to him, it was Christ who baptizes; the church is only a depository and custodians of the sacraments. The important thing here is that, it is Christ who gives the sacraments not the state of the minister who baptizes. It is because it is not the minister that confer seal but the rite. He also said that the rite of baptism has to effects. First is the seal which is permanent and cannot be lost even if one sins. Second is the grace, it is not permanent and can be lost by committing sins. This is my first time to realize that the baptism has to effects. Suddenly it came to my realization that when I was baptized as a Christian I become Christian forever it cannot be change because of the seal that I received during my baptism. And through receiving sacraments I obtain graces from God. Maybe that is the reason why we need to receive these sacraments. Before, I thought that the important thing in receiving sacrament is the church. But I realized that the church has the role but the most important thing in receiving sacraments is the will of the minister to give it and the rites. Sometimes I am thinking of not confessing my sins to the priests or not receiving any sacraments. It is because I thought that maybe it is not valid because the priest is also a sinner like me. I preferred to confess my sins directly to God, rather than to the priests. Moreover I learned that they are also human being, they too are not perfect prone to commit mistakes, but God use them as an instrument in order for us to receive his grace. Anyway it is the rite and will which is important not the state of the minister.

Furthermore I learned the important of rites in receiving sacraments. Questions often times come to my mind such as; why do priest still have to use the sacramentary every now and then? Why they are using the same thing and the same rites in giving sacraments?  Where in fact they could just recite a spontaneous prayer or make their own schema in giving sacraments? But finally it came to my mind that after such discussions in subject Sacramentology that such rite are really necessary. Even the priest has a bad intention or a sinner, it does not matter as long as they follow the proper rites for each sacrament, and it is still valid. Again it is because it is the rite that confers the seal and grace not the minister.

I also realized that the rites and gestures have their theological interpretations; that is why it is necessary to follow it. For example, in baptism, sins are forgiven and believers are born anew. The laying of hands especially after baptism meant the coming of the Holy Spirit on the newly baptized. In the Eucharist, we are united with Christ and we gain eternal life because of it. I also become aware that the anointing of the sick with oil can restore health, because before; I thought that when the priest anoints the sick: he, the sick person, will die immediately or will not prolong his suffering. Maybe that is the reason why I do not want my relatives to be anointed because I don’t want them to die immediately. But my subject Sacramentology helps me to understand much deeper the significance of each sacraments. I realized that, I really need to receive sacraments because through it, I can receive the grace coming from God.

-Dostoyevsky, Notes from the Underground

The people of today are afraid of suffering. We try all means to avoid suffering. People consider suffering as the result of wrong deeds. Most people suffer because of the wrong usage of their freewill, improper use of things, wrong use of power and making wrong decisions. These are some of the reasons why human beings experience suffering. We cannot avoid experiencing it, because as human beings we are prone to commit mistakes and as a result we suffer. People experiencing suffering in different ways: suffering from illnesses, suffering from poverty, suffering from studies, suffering in the seminary and many more. We normally complain when we experience suffering. With that we normally define suffering as something that brings us burden. As a human being we don’t want to suffer.

Normally we consider suffering negatively. Most of the times we do not want to experience it or even hear it. However not all of us consider suffering in this way. One person who gave an account on suffering is Fyodor Dostoyevsky. He looked on suffering on its positive sense in fact he gave it importance. He said that suffering is important because it is the origin of our consciousness which make us great. As he puts it: “suffering is the sole root of consciousness”[1]. It is because as we bear the role of being makers of meaning we also carries the burden of being meaning makers. We are not sure on the meaning of our lives. With that we become conscious of our own limitations, of our own weaknesses, and conscious that we will die someday. These can lead us to experience despair and this despair is the burden we bear. This consciousness that comes from our burden we bear as meaning makers makes us great. It is for this reason that we cannot trade it with anything else. He later considered excessive consciousness as a disease wherein we do not become true to ourselves. But still consciousness is important. Although he considers it as the greatest misfortune “man loves it and will never exchange it for any satisfaction”.[2]

As I am reflecting on Dostoyevsky’s concept of suffering as the sole root of consciousness, I realized that it is really a great help in order for me to become great. It is because the moment I suffer, I started to complain and ask questions about the reason for my sufferings. When I ask myself, I notice that there is something wrong with the things I have done and with its consequence that is why I experience suffering. These are the things that are often times I do not paying attention to, when I suffer that is the only time that I become conscious of it. Once I become conscious of the reason of my suffering, it serves as a lesson for me, so that I will not commit the same mistakes again. This consciousness makes me great and strong. I also realize that I have nothing to be afraid of, when it comes to suffering. In fact it really helps me to become conscious of the things that I’m not conscious about before and this consciousness makes me great. Before, I am afraid to make decisions, because I am afraid to suffer the consequences. Dostoyevsky reminded me that suffering will teach me a lot. I become conscious of the things that I do which helps me to become strong and to know more myself. The more I suffer the more I become conscious that I am alive. I learned many things from my suffering. I will give one concrete example that I learn from my suffering. During this midterm examination I failed to pass my cosmology subject. It’s hard to accept it because that was my first time to get a failing grade, I really suffer from it. I was not able to sleep on that day, asking myself the reason of my suffering and why I failed. Until it arrive to the point that I become aware of my mistakes, which I am not giving so much effort toward that subject. As a resolution, my suffering taught me to be more serious on that subject, so that I will not fail again. I will never become aware of these things unless I suffer.

However I can say that suffering is important in man’s life because I believe to Dostoyevsky that it is the origin of consciousness. This consciousness makes us great. Without suffering we will not become great because in this suffering we become conscious. It is also important because it helps us to become conscious of the things that we do. It is important because it teaches us many lessons in life. As a resolution I will not avoid experiencing suffering because I don’t have anything to be afraid of regarding suffering. At the same time I will not look at suffering on its negative sides, rather I will look at it on its positive sense.

[2] Ibid.

However, seminary is also a discernment place, wherein a person who is aspiring to become a priest is discerning his vocation. I tried my best with the help of my spiritual director to know and discover God’s will for me. I tried to discover the purpose of my stay here in this seminary. My spiritual director is always telling me that I am being formed both physically and spiritually for my future apostolate later on, whether I become priest or not. He said that the difficulties and trials are just challenges in order for me to become strong person in the future.

Moreover, as of the moment, there is only one thing I would like to do and that is to share the blessings and the love of God that I am experiencing to other people. I would like to help other people especially the poor and the marginalized. I would like them to realize that God loves them despite their situation in life. I want them to realize the importance of prayer and trust in God in their daily life. In order for me to become successful in doing this, I will start in myself. I will show to them the feeling of being embrace by God. I will show to them that I am being love by God. I need to become a model of God’s love. I need to show to them that God is working in me and through me.  This is what I want to develop as of the moment. I need to have intimate relationship with God. So that in doing so I can become a model of God’s loves for them. If I am able to do that, it is become easy for me to help them and it will become easy for them to believe in me.

However, when I arrived herein Manila everything had changed. I saw the reality which I’ve never seen before in our province. At the back of big buildings and establishments were the squatters everywhere; under the bridge, on the over pass, even in the streets. Behind the rich and influential people were the poor, suffering from injustices and doing all the means just to survive. I was really shock by this reality/experience. When you go to the streets you will notice a lot of street children begging for food. There are many street children who need help and attention. They need someone who will love them. But sometimes we are just ignoring them. Before I am thinking how unfortunate I am to belong to the poor family. However looking at these children and their situation I realized how lucky I am. I am still fortunate compared to them. I can still afford to eat three times a day. I have home to rest and spend the whole night. I have clothes to wear and the opportunity to study. I have friends with me and people who can show love and concern to me. These poor people serve as my inspirations. They are the source of courage to in facing difficulties and hardships in life. They are the reasons for my perseverance in this kind of life because in the future I want to extend help to them in one way or the other. I want to help them even in a simple way which I can. I want to teach them and I want them to feel that there is someone who is paying attention to them.  I want them to feel that there is someone who is ready to take care of them. I want them to grow up as a good persons and responsible citizens. Indeed they really need someone who will help them.

However, I learn many things from them and they inspired me in many ways. They teach me to become simple. We can see in them that they are only longing for what is necessary for them like food and shelter. I learn to treasure the things that I have and to use it in a proper way. They teach me to become courageous in facing problems in life. We can see in them that they can still afford to smile despite their situations in life. They made me realized that I am still fortunate with the life that I have. God’s still loves me. They are the one who inspired me to persevere during the times I already want to give up. The smile in their faces gives me hope and reminds me about the purpose in my stay in the seminary. They really need someone who can help them. They are waiting for persons who will help them. I really want to help them because they are my inspirations.

It came to my realization that during those moments, sometimes I need to pause for a while, relax, and to recognize that despite all these works and preoccupations there is God who will help and will support me. It is because if I just defend on my own abilities and capacities I cannot do it by my own. I must not force myself to finish all these things at the same time; I need to start one at a time. I also realized that it is not proper to sacrifice my leisure time because that is the time for me; it is my time to relax and pause for a moment in the midst of numerous works and preoccupations. It also the one giving balances in my seminary life to avoid pressure and depression. Seminary life is like a game I must know the rules and play the game.  I realized that if I am just following the schedule in the seminary I will never be misled. The schedule is the one teaching me to have regular observance and it teach me to have self discipline. If it is siesta I should rest, if it is recreation I should play and if it is study period I should study well.

Furthermore, I do believe that all my achievement in this seminary is through the help of God. I do believe that I cannot pass all my philosophical subjects by defending on my own capacity because I am not that intelligent. I was able to do it and to overcome it because of the help and the grace of God. Maybe that is my secret why I still exist in this community. I continuously depending on the help of God and I continuously asked God to give me perseverance. What I am now is the fruit of God’s grace and mercy. In moments of difficulties and in front of many works which seems to be insurmountable, I should stop and know that there is God who will help me.

I realized that doing the will of the father is not an easy one. It needs a lot of sacrifices. Entering in the seminary is not that easy. I need to sacrifice many things even my family and my promising career if there would be. I entered in the seminary because in one way or the other I can feel that God is calling me to follow him and to follow his will in this kind of life. As I am trying my best to follow the will of the father I suffered more. I encountered a lot of difficulties and problems along the way. I experienced the difficulties in studies, community life, in my family and the most difficult thing is to confront myself. I realized that sufferings and hardships is part of following the will of God. Jesus himself suffered because he followed the will of the father, I myself must suffered too because I am following the footsteps of Jesus Christ and the will of the father. Jesus himself experience undergoes suffering but in the end he became victorious. I also realized that the suffering that I’m experiencing is just a little compared to the suffering that Jesus endured on the cross.

The invitation for me is not to give up easily despite of the difficulties and hardships that I am experiencing. I must not be afraid to follow the will of God for me. I must persevere and go on because I have with me a loving God. I must not lose hope instead become courageous in facing my problems and difficulties in life, so that at the end, like Christ I will become victorious. I must always look at the cross as a sign of God’s love and victory every time I will experience suffering, so that I will be reminded that Jesus Christ also suffered and through his suffering he became victorious. I must look at the cross as my inspiration in following God’s will. Suffering and difficulties is part of man’s life because God did not promise a peaceful journey but safe arrival.

The same thing happens in the seminary. As a higher year, it is hard to correct lower years if I cannot correct myself first. It is hard to tell them not to do those that are bad if I myself failed to avoid doing those. It is difficult to tell my companions to clean properly if I myself do not know how to clean properly. It is hard to tell them to keep quiet if I myself am noisy. Indeed I need to become a good model for them so that it would be easy for me to correct them. I need to show to them that I am doing the right thing so that they can imitate me. As what Jesus said “take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Indeed, if really want to become a good leader I must become a good follower. Sooner or later I will become a leader, when that time come, I need to bear in my mind that my words should always accompanied by my own actions. Jesus is inviting me to put into practice what I am teachings. I must first become a good follower before becoming a good leader.

Applying it in the seminary context, my entering in the seminary is my act of surrendering to my formators. The moment I surrendered myself to them, they are already had authority over me. I need to follow the rules and regulations in the seminary with personal conviction in order for me to form. I trusted my formators and as a consequence I must follow all their commands. I need to obey them and to follow their will rather than following my own will. They are the one guiding me in my stay in this seminary.

Furthermore, I have a lot of realizations in those experiences, especially on reflecting on surrendering one self. I realized that I must have the attitude of being blind folded toward God; I need to surrender myself to him. I must have the attitude of being a follower, who is willing to follow the command of his master and willing to sacrifice his own will for his master. I realized that I cannot do anything without God’s help; I become conscious that I am totally dependent to him. I need to surrender to him all my worries, concerns, and difficulties in life. I need to trust in his saving power. I have nothing to be feared of if I surrender everything to him, if I trusted him. Moreover I learned to deny my own will and follow the will of God. That is what total surrendering is all about. It is about submitting yourself to others. I learned to become humble by trusting others. I learned that I must put everything to God and to surrender everything to him and to allow his will to work in me. I cannot do anything without the help of God. I cannot solve all my problems and difficulties in life by depending on my own strength and abilities. I must trust him, surrender everything to him and for sure he will not disappoint me, he will make a way to help me. In my four years of staying in this seminary I still believe that it God who is helping me in all my difficulties in this community, because I cannot do it by my own. Every time I prayed, I am always asking for his help and guidance. Thus, I must let myself see God in the person of others, who are very concerned with how I live my life.

Reflecting on my relationship with God, I realized that somehow I lack that kind of trust with Him. Honestly speaking, it is really hard to believe on something which is unseen; it is difficult to put your trust on someone whom you cannot see. Maybe that’s what faith is all about to believe on someone which is unseen. While reflecting on my relationship with God, it came to my realization that believing in God becomes easy whenever I would listen to him. How could it be since I cannot see him? How can I listen to him? Maybe that’s the mystery of God: he can talk to me even though I cannot see him. He can communicate to me in different ways. It can be in the form of silence, in my daily experience, or in dealing with other people. The only thing I need to do is to listen. That is what I failed to do to listen to him. I am always preoccupied of so many things: my studies, my community activities, my problems and difficulties in life and as a result, I cannot give enough time for my personal time with God. I do not have time to give much attention to His voice anymore. I am always distracted by so many things. I think I need to pay more attention to the voice of God. I need to pause for a while and listen to his voice. I need to put God as my priority, as my ultimate concern. If I am able to do this, it will become easy for me to trust him and to depend on him. God is telling me: “Do not be afraid; just have faith.”(Mk 5:37) The only thing I need to do is to listen to his voice. I have nothing to fear if I trust Him. God will never abandon me if I will surrender myself to him, if I allow his will to work on me. It will become easy for me to do his will and to live in accordance to his teaching, if I am convinced that he is the source of everything that I have. I have nothing to brag about in front of him. I must recognize my own weaknesses in front of him. God’s voice is everywhere. All I need to do is to listen. As my resolution I will pay attention to the voice of God so that I will be guide by him. I need to have an empty heart so that God can talk to me. I need to get rid of material things so that God can communicate to me. I just need faith and total dependence to him. I must be like a child who trusts those who are trustworthy.

The word of God is very consoling and it is rich in meaning. If I feel frustrated and no one talks to me, it is the word of God which speaks to me through the bible. If I feel discourage it is the word of God which encourages me to go on. In facing difficulties and trials it is the word of God which make me realized to put my trust in him. If I’m alone during the hardships and trials it is the word of God telling me don not be afraid I am with you. During these moments I realized the importance of silence in order for me to reflect and to meditate. It is because God speaks in the silence of my hearts. God cannot communicate to me if I am destructed if I am preoccupied of so many things. It is in silence that he can talk to me. It is in praying that he can give me advice. The word of God is rich in meaning it is because when I reflect with the reading after being proclaimed, I get realization from it. It gives me points for reflection. Even if it is being repeated time and again it can still give meaning. The word of God is rich and inexhaustible. The word of God has a lot of meaning and values in life which can serve as my guidelines in my daily life, especially in times of troubles and difficulties. It is God who guides me in my daily life through his words. It is when I entered in this seminary that I realized the importance of the word of God. The word of God is the best spiritual director for me. He can give me advice in all my problems in life. I just need to approach Him in holy tabernacle and trust Him for sure he will make a way. It is in silence that God speaks.